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My favorite line in my favorite book, is the very last sentence of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s infamous classic: The Great Gatsby. It reads, “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” While I’ve always loved the book and the line, it’s started to resonate with me more and more as I’ve begun to realize that at some point along the way, everyone stops dreaming forward all the time, and instead, begins to dream backward.
Most of the time we do this quietly in the corners of our minds, never announcing it, but dreaming backward nonetheless. I’m not sure when the switch happens, but at some age, we start sharing our mental real estate of hope for the future with “what ifs” of the past. We start spending less time thinking forward and start wondering if that decision we made was to blame for the unsavory circumstances we find ourselves in now. As if we can go back and change any of it, we reminisce, we re-read the texts, we Instagram stalk, we wonder.
Have you been there?
Wondering if you should have actually stayed at that job, because man, it’s getting hard to make ends meet. Wondering if you should have actually been easier on that guy, because loneliness doesn’t taste as good as company when the air gets chilly. Wondering if you shouldn’t have signed the lease committed to that city agreed to that partnership moved back home and so on. To make matters all the more confusing, the age-old rom-com storyline of just “starting over” lingers over the heads of the dissatisfied, always forgetting the disclaimer that it too will come with its own regrets. And suddenly the “what if” cyclone begins to take shape, swirling our boats “ceaselessly into the past.” Someone reading this will think it’s ridiculous, they’ll have no idea what I’m talking about, but someone else is lost in their own “what ifs.” Someone else is crippled by the mistake they think they may have made, and this email is for you. When I feel my mind begin to indulge in too many “what ifs”, and when I wonder if I would have liked the other 100 lives better than the one I find myself in, I try to do these three things: 1. Pause. Like lighter fluid attached to a motorbike, our “what if” thoughts can spiral, lighting fire to every part of our lives. It’s likely not everything that’s bothering you, so try to sort out the true root of what’s got you down. 2. Stop underestimating the unseen moments. Our minds want us to believe that grand conclusions are the only way out of the lives we don’t like. Things like stay or leave, move or resign, quit or continue, the big hitters feel like our best shot at changing what’s disappointing us. What’s more true though, is that small, daily decisions hold immense power. We want quick answers, but sometimes the answer is daily wrestling. Sometimes the only decision we really need to make is to daily wake up and ask God for wisdom on how to live today. Sometimes we need to ask him smaller questions like, “How do you want me to show up to this job/relationship/city today?” Instead of, “Do you want me to stay or go?” 3. Visit the younger you. The thing about younger version of us, is that, while maybe unwise, maybe brash, and undiscerning, the younger version of us often knew what they wanted. The younger versions of us meant it when they said no. The younger versions of us got on the plane without fear, followed God without a plan, and believed that something incredible was out there for us. Don’t forget her. Don’t forget him. Don’t shame her/him either. The best way to combat decision regret is to remember why you made that call in the first place. Remember what led you here. Ease is never promised, but did you your best, you followed your convictions, and today is about navigating the yes of your yesterday. We can’t go back but good days are bravely facing what’s before us, and I believe you can. Have a good day today,
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